


i hate everyone in the world but you (discontinued)

by monstermetaphor



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic, Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Triangles, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Trans Neil Josten
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24534931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monstermetaphor/pseuds/monstermetaphor
Summary: Euphoria Au. Andrew has just gotten back from rehab after the incident, which means he’s clean of his previously court mandated medication. His cousin and brother don’t know this is the only thing he’s clean of. The only thing that makes Andrew feel something good is his friendship with the new kid, Neil, who seems like an open book but has secrets of his own.(Credit to Sam Levinson for concept and a great deal of the dialogue + characters obviously owned by Nora Sakavic)
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker (All For The Game), Andrew Minyard & Roland, Andrew Minyard/Roland, Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Kevin Day & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick & Andrew Minyard, Seth Gordon/Allison Reynolds
Comments: 7
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> CW: self harm, addiction, mental health, homophobic language, transphobia, possibly some consent issues or references to Andrew’s upbringing (no Spears though)

INT: Interior of hospital, maternity ward. A BRIGHT BUZZING FLUORESCENT LIGHT. All the sounds of hospital fuss. A woman is on the bed, preparing to give birth. The camera zooms in on the interior of the womb. 

(V.O)  
Andrew: A fetus. A fetus like any other. Okay, a person. A BABY. A baby in the middle of a fucking nightmare, as it curls up, bracing itself to be torn from the comfort of his home. 

Andrew: I was once happy. Content. Sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool. Then one day. For reasons beyond my control, I was repeatedly crushed, over and over again, by the cruel cervix of my mother, Tilda. I put up a good fight, but I lost. For the first time in my life, but not the last. My twin brother followed soon after. Aaron. I sometimes wonder if I lost the battle for both of us. 

INT: A foster care agency, filled with mostly four or five year old children, a few younger or older, social workers and a few prospective foster parents. Tilda speaking with the lady at the front desk, a baby in her arms. The baby is handed over to one of the caretakers. Before they can get a name, the woman is gone and the glass door shut. 

Andrew: I mean, this part is self explanatory. And I don’t want to talk about it more.

EXT: The same center, twelve years later. 

Andrew: When I was twelve, I found out who my mother was. Tilda Minyard, age 48, mother to my twin brother Aaron. Who she decided to keep. 

Andrew: I also learned she had passed away recently. From an overdose, of what I’m not sure. Before she died her brother had learned about her decision to give me up. He’d been livid, and apparently wanted me to come live with my brother. I didn’t like pity much, but I did genuinely want to meet my brother. 

Andrew: Instead of living with my uncle, who it turned out was a self-righteous idiot, Aaron and I ended up living with our older cousin. He’d gotten approved of guardianship over his parents because they apparently sent him to a conversion therapy camp one summer. Neither he or my brother was what I was used to. 

EXT: The house in Columbia, South Carolina. 

Andrew: And then, without warning, a white suburban American middle class childhood.  
~

The therapist clasps his hands together. He looks not at me, but at Nicky, with a pleasant expression and pitying eyes. “I would say he’s suffering from..” he pauses dramatically. “Depression.” Andrew closed his eyes wearily. Andrew had heard so many different explanations over the years and didn’t take these seriously. “Obsessive-compulsive disorder.” He sighed, wanting to hear what he’d be put on. Andrew wouldn’t be here if it wasn't mandatory. Beating up the wealthy homophobe who’d harassed your cousin, along with a pre existing record will land you in a psych evaluation. “And it’s a bit soon to say, but it’s likely he has bipolar disorder, and additionally psychosis.” Nicky let out a hiss of breath at that. Andrew left that day with three multicolored pills to be taken twice on Mondays and Wednesdays.  
~

Andrew: Later, Nicky tried to play it off for laughs, and told me about how a lot of people I liked dealt with similar issues. I raised an eyebrow at him. We both knew I didn’t like many people. He brought up Sylvia Plath and Fiona Apple as examples. That speech was well meant, but didn’t inspire a lot of optimism for my future.  
~

INT: high school classroom, the twins freshman year 

Andrew: In my early life, it was like the world moved fast while my mind moved slow. In my teens it was the opposite. And if I focused too much on the way I was breathing….

INT: *darkness*

Andrew: I’d die. 

INT: *the classroom again*

Andrew: In some ways the medication helped, in others it didn’t. It made me sleep more regularly and have more energy during the day. Unfortunately, I didn’t usually enjoy what came to mind while I was asleep. It made me more pleasant to be around. Not that I particularly cared about that, but Nicky seemed to. Occasionally it made me feel better, though that wasn’t often. It didn’t make me feel sorry for punching that guy. 

Andrew: There was something that did make me feel better.  
~

When Andrew was close to seventeen,, he cut a little too deep into his wrists, with one of Nicky’s razors. It was nothing he hadn’t done before, yet he’d been careless and then was unable to stop the bleeding. Aaron had found him, and he and Nicky had to get Andrew to the hospital. When he’d woken up, he had to answer several questions. One that a nurse named Abby Winfeld had posed was, “Did this start before or after you started your medication?” Andrew didn’t care for lying, and was usually terrible at it. However, dishonesty seemed the only course of action here. “After.” he croaked. It wasn’t even a lie, he thought. He’d used a knife before, but that had been confiscated when he was arrested. 

Andrew: At some point you make a choice about who you are and what you want. Every mistake, every mis-step, every dumb decision or dumb fuck. You own it and wear it like a badge of honor. 

It’s been six months since then. Last night, Andrew got back from rehab. He’s completely clean of his medication. He’s just not as totally clean as his brother and cousin have to think he is. His fingers itch for a smoke, for one thing. Nicky is on the phone with the insurance company. “They said the facility was in our network, how can it be out of our network? This feels like extortion…”  
~

Andrew: No matter what the fuck tumblr says, life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and being a teenager is a lot of things … but romantic? I don’t think so.  
~

Andrew and Aaron walk to the bus stop, not saying a word to each other. They were never exactly close, but it used to be them against the world. Now there’s a kind of divide neither of them knows how to navigate. And unlike the first time they met, there’s real betrayal there instead of just distance and differences.  
~ 

Andrew: And I know it all must seem sad, but guess what? I didn’t build this system, nor did I fuck it up.  
~

Columbia prided itself on it’s football team. Currently there was a giant photograph of a smiling athlete located on the 50 yard line. 

Andrew: Last week, Seth Gordon, star quarterback of the football team, was found dead in a cornfield off Route 38…  
~

EXT: The memorial service, where Andrew watches. 

Andrew: Don’t feel bad, Seth Gordon was a part time alcoholic, part time bigot, full time fucking asshole. And if I’m going to be entirely honest… I’m the one who killed him.  
~

*four months earlier* 

Andrew: It all started when Neil moved to town. 

*We see a seventeen year old boy riding a bicycle through the streets of Columbia*

Andrew: I didn’t know him yet but I had definitely heard about him. Not in that “ohmygod there’s some new, edgy trans-boy in town way but more like…”  
~

Andrew is where he hasn’t been in ages: the deli-gas station, where he can meet up with Roland. Roland is 21, the same age Nicky was when he took over as our guardian. He has sweet eyes and curling hair, and is nice to look at, which is convenient for Andrew. “There’s some new, like edgy trans-boy in town.” He said to me. 

Andrew took a drag from his cigarette. “So?” 

Roland held up a hand. “I don’t know. He came here yesterday and held a knife to my throat. So I thought, he seems like someone Andrew would get along with…”

Andrew paused.  
~

Andrew: That was interesting. More interesting than I expected from Roland.  
~

*later that day*

Andrew and the others made their way through Boyd’s house, which was in the chaos you’d expect at an end of summer house party. To find Seth yelling out…

“If someone doesn’t speak up, this bitch is gonna get fucked up!” he roared. 

He turned to Neil, who he’d cornered in by the kitchen counter. “Looks like you’re all on your own.” Neil tried to walk away, but Seth made as if to throw him against the wall. He never got a chance, because pretty soon Neil was holding a knife to his throat.”  
~

Andrew: Just then, I realized that aside from interesting, what Roland had said was dead on.  
~

The party erupted in pandemonium. Screams. Shouts.  
~  
back to the deli/gas station, present-time

“Yo, Andrew.” said Roland. “Were you planning on paying for those cigarettes?”

He molded his lips into an approximation of a smile, and shook his head.

“Seriously,” Roland added. “You need to. We got a security camera while you were gone.” They both looked up at the aforementioned piece of technology. 

Andrew put a couple of packs of cigarettes on the counter, and reached into the pockets of his black denim jacket. 

“Anyway,” Roland continued, “when did you get back? I thought I’d never see you again.”

“A few weeks ago.” answered Andrew. 

Roland hesitated. “How are you feeling?”

“Ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior, Jesus Christ, things have been really good.” drawled Andrew. He saw that Roland’s eyes were wide. “I’m fucking with you.” he said. “I’m still the same misanthropic whore you’ve always known.” 

“What’s that mean?” asked Roland.

“That I hate mankind. And I’m a whore.” said Andrew. 

Roland’s brow furrowed. “You don’t hate all of mankind.” 

“No.” Andrew agreed. “ I don’t care enough about most people to hate them. But I hate you for not disagreeing with the whore part.” 

Roland’s eyes made their way to Andrew’s lips. “Well, you’ve had a long life.”  
~ 

From his bike on the way home, Andrew can see Seth and Boyd driving. 

Andrew: In truth, I didn’t have much of an issue with Seth until that night. I never liked him, and he called Nicky a fag to my face one time. But I dealt with that - with enough force - that he doesn’t usually bother me.  
~

Neil was riding his own bike in the same way as the two football players. “Yo, what the fuck is that?” said Seth. 

“Some dude on a bike.” said Boyd. 

“What are you retarded? That’s a chick!” 

“Ride up on this bitch!” he shouted at Neil, driving close, so close that Neil’s bike capsized. 

Later, Neil shook off the dust from his accident and walked to his house.  
~

INT: Neil’s place

Andrew: Neil lives with his Uncle Stuart. Before that he lived with his mom, and I’m guessing some shit went down. 

Neil sits on his bed, cleaning the scrape. The walls of his bedroom are covered in doodles and math equations, as well as a few posters for lacrosse teams. 

Andrew: He went to like three weeks of summer school with Katelyn, who failed intro to visual arts.  
~ 

Neil gets a text from Kateyln. Do you wanna go to Boyd’s party tonight?  
~ 

INT: Allison Reynolds bedroom 

Katelyn is lying on Allison’s bed, watching her get dressed. Or rather, Allison isn’t getting dressed just yet. Instead she’s in nothing but her underwear, looking at herself in the mirror. “Do my adoles look weird?” She asked Katelyn.

“No.” Katelyn replied truthfully. 

“Ugh, I’m disgusting.” said Allison. “I literally look disgusting.” 

Katelyn shook her head, looking towards Allison’s waiflike figure. “You need to like snap the fuck out of this post break-up pity party because a) you’re hot af and b) Seth’s a loser.”

“He’s not a loser.” said Allison “He’s a dick.” 

“All dick’s are losers.” countered Katelyn. 

“Ugh!” Allison had somehow spilled a container of blue eyeshadow all over her nightstand. Katelyn reaches to help her clean up, but Allison was faster. “Seth destroyed my confidence. You know when someone criticized everything about you?” 

“You just need to catch a dick and forget your troubles, girl.” said Katelyn.

“You just need to catch a dick.” said Allison. 

Just then, Allison’s dad knocked on the door. “You girls almost…”

“Dad, stop being a pervert! We’re literally like all naked!” Allison exclaimed. She and Katelyn burst into laughter as soon as the door closed.  
~

Andrew entered the Columbia house through the front door, to find Nicky waiting for him. “Where were you?” it wasn’t quite a demand, but it was a much sharper tone than Andrew was used to hearing from his cousin.

“I went to eat.” he said. 

Nicky schooled his expressions to be more easygoing, but his posture remained stiff. “Let me know from now on, before you go out.” he said. Andrew was about to go to his room when Nicky said, “and I want to see your wrists.” 

“What?” asked Andrew. Logically he’d expected something like this would happen, and he’d made sure no cuts were visible there. But as much as Nicky could be obtuse about some things, he had learned not to push Andrew’s boundaries. Andrew wasn’t used to Nicky demanding to see a part of his body he considered vulnerable, even if he knew Nicky would never hurt him. Still, he nodded, taking off his jacket and then pushing up his sleeves. There were no fresh cuts to be seen, although there were plenty of scars. 

Nicky exhaled, and thankfully did not ask to check any other area. “I also want you to take a drug test.” he said. Shit. 

“Well,” said Andrew. “Unfortunately, I just peed.”

Andrew went to his room, and promptly climbed out the window.  
~

INT: Kevin’s house

Kevin opened the door, and stared. “I need a favor from you.” said Andrew. 

Kevin blinked. “I’m in the middle of dinner.”

“Like, for real Kevin.” Andrew said. Kevin sighed.  
~

Andrew stood in front of Kevin’s family, who were eating dinner. “I’ll be right back with that jacket you left here, Andrew.” As he disappeared, Kevin’s father turned his attention to him. 

“How was rehab?”

“It was really good.” said Andrew, flatly.

“How long have you been back?” asked Renee, Kevin’s adopted sister. 

“Four days.” he replied, just as Kevin came back.

“Here you go,” he said, handing a bundle of black fabric off to Andrew. Andrew caught it and felt the vial of urine under the cloth. He made eye contact with Kevin, tilting his head in inquiry. Kevin jerked his head. Yeah, still clean.  
~

“Your negative!” exclaimed Nicky. Andrew said nothing. After Nicky was gone, he examined the fresh cuts on his ankles and the inside of his thighs.  
~

Andrew: I know a lot of you probably hate me right now. And I get it. If I could be a different person, I promise you I would. Not because I want it, but because they do. And therein lies the catch.  
~

Andrew: Anyway, I was walking to Boyd’s party since we can’t afford a car, when-  
~

INT: Allison’s car

Allison is driving as Kateyln sits shotgun. They were about to pick up their friend Dan, but got a text she was going to the party with Boyd. Then they see a figure standing in the middle of the road. “Who is that?” asked Allison. 

Katelyn rolled down the window. “Whaddup Casper?” she yelled. “Need a ride?”  
~

The music in the car was turned up, loud. Andrew stared out the window as the girls sang along.

Andrew: Then, the night got weird.  
~

Andrew: Now, there’s a couple versions of what happened that night. There’s the real version and then the version I told the cops. Now, the version I told the cops was far less interesting… because obviously.  
~

Seth is shirtless, and drowning an impressive amount of liquor.  
~

Andrew: But Seth was fucking on one.  
~

Seth flirted with a lot of girls, but paid a particular amount of attention to one in particular. In between kissing and groping her, he looked across the room to someone else.  
~

Andrew: And in turn, Allison was fucking on one.  
~

Allison flirted with a college guy most of the night, and made direct eye contact with Seth as the two of them headed for the pool.  
~

“What’s the deal with your friend?” asked some guy. “Allison?”

“What about her?” replied Katelyn.

“Is she a prude or a slut?”

Katelyn didn’t need to think twice. “Definitely a slut.” 

“And are you a slut?”

Katelyn didn’t blink as she looked straight at him and lied, “Yeah, I’m a fucking savage.”  
~

“You know what?” The same guy said a little while later. “I’ve heard fat girls give the best head.”  
~

Neil was bored. He’d come to the party because he liked Katelyn, but couldn’t seem to find her anywhere. Eventually, he went to the kitchen. Hopefully there was something good enough to make up for coming here. If not, Neil was still in the habit of taking free food when it was there. Unfortunately, Neil came close to bumping into the guy rummaging in the alcohol cabinet. At first, he didn’t say anything. Then- “You wanna tell me who the fuck you are?” 

Neil was slightly confused. “I’m Neil. I’m a friend of..” 

“A friend?” The other dude said sharply. “You’re not my friend.” He looked around. “Anyone friends with this faggot?” 

The whole party was silent.

He continued, “If nobody speaks up, this bitch is gonna get fucked up!” 

Then Neil took out a knife. 

Everyone from the party started talking at once. 

He looks terrified. “Look, I’m sorry dude. Please put the knife down.”

“You wanna hurt me, huh? You think you can hurt me?” 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

Neil hissed into Seth’s ear. “I’ve been hurt in ways few people in the world ever have. How dare you even try to make me afraid of you.” He laughed. “The only person in this room with the power to hurt me is myself!” He yelled that last part. 

The guy backs away in fear. Neil turns to the stunned party. “By the way I’m Neil. I just moved here.”  
~

Andrew: I mean… right?  
~ 

Andrew hated running, but he ran out of the house after Neil. “Hey,” he said. Neil glances in his direction. “That was stupid.” Neil scowled, and started to turn away on his bike. “It was also fucking amazing.” Andrew blurted out. 

Neil looked at him, surprised. “Really? I was just trying to defend myself, like in the moment, by threatening him more directly and physically than he had so far.” 

Andrew nodded. “That makes a lot of sense.” 

Neil frowned. “If it makes sense, why is it stupid?” 

“Self preservation can be stupid.” Andrew said. 

Neil looked at him curiously. “Fair enough.”

The two of them looked at each other, and instantly realized they were about to become best friends. 

“I’m Andrew.”

“I’m Neil.”

“Where are you going?” asked Andrew.

“Home.” said Neil. 

“Can I come with you?”

Neil smiled.  
~

INT: sparse room, sometime

“Just tell us in a simple, straightforward way, what happened the night of August 24th?” asked the very frustrated Sherif.

“Was that the day the mall got shot up?” asked Andrew. 

“What mall?” asked the Sherif. 

“The one in a different state, that like, that white supremacist dude shot up.” 

“I don’t know what mall shooting you’re referring to.” 

“It was the one that happened the night of Boyd’s party.” 

“On August 24th?”

“I don’t know, it’s not like I’m forty and keep a day planner.” 

One of the cops slammed his fist on the table. “We have your medical records. We know you have an eidetic fucking memory, Minyard!” 

Andrew: So I’ve watched a lot of true crime docs and I’m always amazed at how quickly criminals crack. Like, if you're gonna have the balls to commit a crime, you’d think you have the balls to not get caught. Whatever. Point is - the first rule of fight club… Don’t trust the motherfucking cops.


	2. NOT A CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~

This wasn’t being marked as multiple chapters before, so I’m just clarifying there will be eight.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to clarify that because Andrew moved in after Tilda died, the Twinyards never made their deal. 
> 
> CW: self harm for all of this fic, referenced alcohol and drug addiction, referenced body shaming, sharing of a sex tape without a minors consent, referenced and implied statutory rape, one PTSD flashback involving CSA, discussed and implied sex as a form of payment. Also you can read this fic without watching Euphoria, but if your trigger sensitive I recommend looking up the show’s trigger warnings since it and aftg both contain a lot of dark subject matter.

Andrew: It was the first day of school. The type of day I’d normally greet with apathy. Instead, my heart was racing. I made a new best friend and for the first time since getting out of rehab, I was feeling good about the world.  
~

“I’ve got an idea.” said Andrew.

“What?” asked Neil from several inches away. Because there wasn’t a spare bed in Neil’s house, both boys lay on his bed. At least until Andrew would eventually have to run back to his house before Nicky was up. 

“Wanna get high?” Andrew held a joint out to Neil, who - for some reason - sniffed it. 

Neil knitted his eyebrows. “What is it?”

“No idea,” Andrew replied. 

“Didn’t you just get out of rehab?” 

“Yeah.” 

Neil hesitated. “Should I be concerned?”

“Maybe.”

“I feel like this isn’t a good idea…”

“I kinda disagree.” said Andrew, a little more loudly. 

He could hear words spinning around his head. Do you feel anything? His doctors, Do you feel anything?, Kevin Do you feel anything?, Aaron and Nicky Do you feel anything? Do you…

“Andrew.” said Neil, jolting him back 

“What’s wrong?”

“Just happy-ish.” He said without missing a beat. 

~  
Andrew: I know you're not allowed to say this, but drugs are sort of cool. Not the prescribed ones, but in general. Self destructing is cool, like, by design.  
~

“Aaron, can you get me a towel?” Andrew called out. 

His brother complied. If someone were to see the Minyard twins as they were now, they’d likely think nothing had changed. They still walked together, ate lunch together, and generally presented a united front to a world that was cruel, especially for a brown and latinx family in a white suburban town. 

Especially when at least one of them was “quote unquote Crazy”, or that’s what many would say. Their reality was far more complicated. Aaron might be content to show solidarity by walking beside Andrew, but he had yet to look his twin in the eye since he’d returned.  
~

Andrew: I guess they are cool, as long as you don’t let them fuck up your entire life, your family...that’s when the drugs and the razors and the other stuff... get uncool. It’s a very narrow window of cool, actually.  
~  
EXT: lawn outside Columbia High 

“I feel like everyone knows.” said Andrew. He wouldn’t say he felt embarrassed about where he’d been for months, no. That would imply caring. Rather he was  
irritated. There’s nothing Andrew hated more than his privacy being invaded, and nothing he needed less than people commenting on it. 

Neil turned towards him. His auburn hair was standing up every which way, but his blue eyes sparked with humor. “Andrew, I don’t want to turn this into a competition, but like, I win. For like, a multitude of reasons.” 

Andrew shook his head, scowling. “I just don’t want to have to deal with their questions.”

“I still win.” said Neil playfully. He reached out, then asked “can I…”? 

Andrew nodded, and Neil linked their arms. They walked into Columbia High together.  
~ 

As they entered the dingy school building an immediate chorus of whispers and conversation broke out. 

“Wait, he’s alive?”

“What the fuck.”

“Oh shit, that’s the guy that tried to shish-kabob Seth at Boyd’s party.” That last one was said by Danielle Wilds, to her friends Renee and Allison. 

“Really?” said Allison, immediately turning to give Neil a once over. “How did I miss that? You think I could pay him enough to succeed?” 

Renee looked confused. “Wait, what?” 

“Oh yeah, I forgot. You guys both was fucking.”

Renee blushed. “Marissa and I didn’t sleep together! We just made out. And stripped at one point, but that’s it.”

Allison scowled. “Why does everyone think I fucked that guy?”  
~  
Allison’s text messages from 2 AM

Allison: Alcohol is not good for me. 

Seth: So you did fuck him?

Allison: Honestly, I think I blacked out.

Seth: For real?  
~

Katelyn was fairly pleased with herself. She’d lost her virginity, and was well on her way to becoming a woman of loose morals. She’d already told Marissa, who was bound to tell Allison and Dan and everyone else in the world. That was kind of the point. She was just relieved it was no longer a “thing”. 

She took a seat in the second row of AP Biology, next to Aaron Minyard. Katelyn didn’t know the Minyard twins all that well. Neither was all that social in the traditional sense, but Andrew was more frequently at the same out of school scenes as her. Aaron mostly kept his head down, but excelled academically. They tended to be in a lot of the same math and science classes. 

“Hey.” she said.

He looked up from the game of sudoku he was playing on his phone. “Oh, Hi. Katelyn?” 

“Mm-hm. Hi Aaron.”

“Okay, listen up everybody. Welcome to Advanced-“  
~

“So,” said the gym teacher. “Let’s start with a little improvisation. I’d like each of you to get up and tell a five-minute story about your summer.” 

No one raised their hand. The coach looked at Andrew and smiled. Andrew didn’t like where this was going. “Looks like we have our first volunteer: Andrew.”

“Don’t do this to me.” he let out, flatly. 

“Come on, everyone. Let’s give him a little encouragement.” 

There was silence. Andrew’s mind went blank, he figured he’d just have to wait this teacher out. 

“A memory? Anything that had an impact on you this summer.”  
~

“My recommendation is to take him directly to the rehabilitation center.”  
~

“Breathe.” 

Andrew managed to steady himself, if only a little. “So, this summer?”

“Yes. Just tell us a specific memory.”

“Okay. I, uh, I was with my brother and Nicky- my cousin- and we were listening to this song, and…”

“I know you know this song…”  
~

For Aaron, it was the anniversary of Tilda’s death, and it was raining. For Nicky, it was the anniversary of his least favorite Aunt’s death, and of the day he’d gotten a call from Germany meaning he’d have to wait to start his dream life with Erik, and it was raining. For Andrew, it was the same day on which eight years ago, he’d woken up naked and bruised in bed with his foster-mother’s boyfriend still on top of him.That wouldn’t have been out of the ordinary, except that she was there, screaming. 

Not at Samuel, no, but at him. There was a blur in which she grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him through the door, yelling the entire time. The two words he remembered clearly were “useless” and “whore”, as well as the slap he received. Somehow that, and being left there nine and nacked and alone, was more disturbing than any assault. If he was a better person, Andrew thought, he’d go comfort Aaron about the woman who’d given him up, or somehow make up for ruining his cousin’s life. Instead he smoked through a pack of cigarettes, and slashed across his skin exactly nine times.  
~

“I’m just…I’m done, I can’t.” Andrew ran out of the gym.  
~

“What a mess, dude.” Someone laughed.

“Honestly, I think brain damage.” joked a girl in the fourth row. 

Kevin turned around to glare daggers at her.  
“Your being fucking rude.”  
~

Andrew headed to the men’s room. Thankfully no one was there, and he could recover from the brief panic attack in peace. He took deep, steadying breaths. 

Just then the door opened. 

“Fuck.”

“Andrew, it’s me.” Kevin said. “Are you okay?” His resting bitch face was tinged with obvious concern. Somehow that just made Andrew madder.

“You are so fucking stupid Kevin.”

Kevin looked as if he’d been slapped. “Why?”

“Because I’m not going to fucking cut myself in a public restroom!”

“Well, I just came to check on you.”

“I don’t want you to fucking check on me, whether I’m fine or I’m not fine. What difference are you going to make? You think now that you’ve been squeaky clean for long enough, you're going to give me life advice? You gonna fucking help me?” 

“Well,” Kevin said slowly, “your one of my best friends.” 

“Give me a break.” muttered Andrew

“You say that, but what happens in three days when you knock on my door asking me to piss in some Tylenol bottle?” Kevin glared at him with shinin green eyes. “What, you’re gonna say the opposite? That we’ve been best friends since we were twelve? It’s like you have a split personality disorder.” He headed for the door. Before leaving he turned and looked Andrew in the eye. “Sorry if I miss the old you.”  
~

Andrew: Yeah, I miss you.  
~  
INT: Addicts Anonymous 

“My name is Jessica, and I am an addict.” 

“Hi Jessica.” 

“Actually, an addict is a nice word for it. I was a stone-cold crackhead. I was also a firefighter, so I thought the two might cancel each other out. The problem was I…”  
~

Andrew: The first time I hurt myself I was eight. You do the math.  
~ 

“Hey,” Andrew said to a guy at the front desk. The meeting was over. He was just glad it hadn’t been longer, and that Alcoholics Anonymous met separately. He wouldn’t have been able to see Kevin here after earlier. “Uh, I’m going to need you to do me a big favor. There are a bunch of these meetings that I was supposed to attend that I didn’t actually attend, so…”

The man squinted at Andrew over his glasses. “I’m gonna need you to backdate this slip.” he said, gesturing at the one in Andrew’s hand. “Yeah. Ethically, that’s a line I will not cross.”

Andrew put his hands in his pockets. “What if I, uh… such your dick?” 

The man’s face became contemplative. “Like, in my car?”

“I’m seventeen you fucking creep. Sign the slip.” 

“Shit, shit, shit.” he muttered.

Andrew had a hint of a smile on his face as the man’s pen scurried across the page. “Pleasure doing business with you.”  
~

Katelyn Manning to the principal’s office!  
~

“I heard a very disturbing rumor.” said the principal, his voice grave. 

“About what?” Katelyn asked innocently. 

“There is a recording of you engaging in… sexual activity, or something of that effect. And it’s being shared among the students.”

Internally, Katelyn cursed. She’d realized the guy she’d slept with must have posted it, then sought him out and convinced him to lie about who it was. He’d agreed to that, and deleting the video after she informed him that minors could be put on a sex offender registry. Apparently he hadn’t been convincing enough. 

“Is this about that video of that girl being banged from behind? Because no, it’s not me, but … just out of curiosity, what could possibly have led you to believe it was me?” 

His eyes were wide. “I just want to be clear that I haven’t personally seen the video…”

“Is it because the girl in the video is fat, Principal Hayes?” 

“I’m not jumping to conclusions, Katelyn…”

Katelyn pouted her lips, and gave him her best bambi eyes. “I’d just appreciate it if everyone would stop talking to me like it was, because, frankly, it’s offensive. You know, it’s one thing for my classmates to body shame me, but for you Principal Hayes it’s a whole other thing. It’s degrading, discriminatory. It just goes to show insidious and… systematic body terrorism truly is in this country. From my own principal.”

Hayes spluttered. “Well I’m… I can’t apologize enough. And I give you my word. I will do everything in my power to put a stop to this rumor.” 

Katelyn smiled sweetly. “Thank you.”  
~  
“Yo, Allison.” Seth bounded in front of her. “Let me take you out tonight.” 

Allison laughed. “Why? I hate you.” 

“I know.”  
~  
EXT: A park that looks and feels nothing like the rest of the town 

“Seriously?” 

“Seriously.” Andrew stared at Neil, waiting for him to have some visceral reaction to what he’d just told him. He didn’t tell people much about what went on in his head, for that exact reason. 

“Seriously.” Neil looked thoughtful. Concern wasn’t totally absent from his face, but it wasn’t the overwhelming, sickening kind that had been all over Kevin earlier. 

“I’m over it.” Andrew said, shrugging.

“Andrew!” Neil said, half laughing. “Breathing is clearly not a priority for you.”

They walked for a bit. Andrew was supposed to be showing Neil the town, but there really wasn’t a lot. They ended up walking around a park. Neil had wanted to run the track, but Andrew shut that down quick. 

“You wanna come over for dinner tonight?” asked Andrew, a little too fast. Luckily Neil got it. 

“I wish. But Uncle Stuart wants to have a capital f Family Dinner. Which is weird, right? It’s literally just me and him.” 

“What about later?”

“I’m probably gonna do some homework. My calculus teacher gave us some interesting problems.”

Andrew made a face.  
~  
EXT: Roland’s house, it’s raining

Andrew banged his fist on the door to Roland’s house. “Hey, open the door!” 

There were a few indiscernible voices, and then Roland let him in the entrance, looking tense. 

“You can’t be in here right now.”

“I just need a knife or a razor, and a couple minutes alone in your bathroom. Some cigarettes would be good too, I brought cash.”

Roland crosses his arms. “I can’t help you right now. You gotta go.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Fine, if you want payment...”

“Yo, for real, Andrew. Come on!”

“Look, I’m fucking drenched and I don’t know where else to go…”

“Oh my god, that’s not my fucking problem!” Roland’s eyes kept darting anxiously to the door. “You gotta get out of my house right now, before those motherfuckers come through.” 

Andrew’s voice was near desperate. “I’ll do… whatever you want me to do, as payment, like I said I just need…”

“Come back in a few hours, I got you. But right now get the fuck out of my house. My guys about to come, and I don’t want you here when he is, understand?l

“Can I at least have a Jack Daniels then? I brought a twenty.”

Just then several male figures entered, two from the adjoining room and more from outside. 

Roland sighed, and gestured to the couch. “Just stay there and be cool. These guys aren’t fucking around.”  
~

Andrew: Dear god, I know I’ve been a cunt for, like, a lot of my life, and my family, and I don’t even really believe in you but...just, God, I’m begging you. Don’t let me die tonight.  
~  
INT: Tyler’s home, night

Tyler smiled to himself. Work had been alright, and he still felt pretty good about the party a couple of days ago, with the statuesque blonde who’d been all over him. He opened the door to his kitchen, where he figured he’d get a beer. 

“Welcome home.” Tyler started, looking around. A man who looked vaguely familiar was sitting on a stool, sipping his alcohol. He smiled. “Hi Tyler.”

“What the fuck are you doing here, man!” Tyler hissed, angry and frightened. “Get the fuck out!”

“If you’re looking for the kitchen knives, they’re here. Same with the baseball bat from your room.”

“Who the fuck are you man?” Tyler asked anxiously, as he looked around for some other weapon. 

The man’s voice went ice cold. “I’m the boyfriend of the girl you raped Saturday night.”

“No, no dude, I didn’t rape anyone.”

“But I saw it.”

“You saw what?”

“You raped her in the pool.”

Tyler looked thoughtful, then his eyes widened. “You mean the crazy chick from the party? That chick was asking me to, I was the one saying no.”

“She was blacked out.”

“Dude, she wasn’t blacked out.”

“Do you know how old she is? Seventeen. And how old are you?” 

“I’m like-“

“You turned 22 five months ago, Tyler. So, not only did you rape a girl, but you raped a minor. I’m gonna hurt you.”

“What?”

“Yeah, and you're not gonna press charges. Now get on your knees.”  
~ 

Andrew left Roland’s house high on fentanyl that drug dealer - Mouse - had given him. He’d given his allowance for it after, which was when Mouse has made it abundantly clear there’d be a cost. “Damn, big brother must really love you.” he said, smirking conspiratorially at Roland, who said nothing. It was the lie they’d gone with. Andrew wasn’t sure why Roland had lied, maybe Mouse didn’t know he had other clients? That’s a funny word. Cli-ent. C-lie-ent.  
~

Roland dialed a number. He had to wait four rings before the other party picked up. “Yo, what’s up? It’s Roland. I’m gonna need a little help with Andrew.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the things I want to explore in this fic is how Andrew would be without his deals and specific ideas about protection that developed from everything with Drake about Aaron. It’s implied that in canon Andrew still self harmed when he began living with Aaron and Nicky, and I always assumed he stopped to better protect them. 
> 
> I’m @summersminyard on tumblr, feel free to ask me questions about this fic.


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew is codependent. feat. jealous Allison, jealous Andrew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: the usual self harm and addiction references, fatphobia, reference to pornography, some ableist comments in regard to suicide, referenced sexual coercion / blackmail, referenced statutory, catfishing

A little girl smiles. She has strawberry blonde hair and a gap between her front teeth. “Hi, I’m Katelyn.”  
~  
She’s holding hands with a boy named Daniel. She’s so happy. She has no idea what made him choose her, but whatever it is she’s glad of it. She has an okay life. Not great, not terrible either.  
~

Andrew: When Katelyn was eleven, the Manning family went on a vacation to Jamaica. On this trip, Katelyn learned two important things about herself. 1) she hated the ocean and 2) she loved Virgin Pina Coladas.  
~

Katelyn turns to the waitress. Her parents are nowhere in sight, but for once she doesn’t particularly mind. “Can I have another one?”

“Sure.”  
~

Andrew: On her eight day stay on the island, Katelyn drank 72 virgin pina coladas. And then she got home.  
~

Katelyn looked in the mirror and gasped. “Oh my god.”  
~

Andrew: In the fourth period the day she got back to school, Daniel slipped her a breakup note.

Andrew: Whatever. Fuck her. Fuck him. She didn’t actually love Daniel. When you're eleven, you fall in love with everyone and everything. It’s not real love.

Andrew: Real love is when you can’t exist without someone, when you’d rather die than be apart,

{Neil is standing on a mountaintop, laughing, red hair askew. Neil is lying on his bed, smiling at someone across the room. Neil is}

Andrew: “..and the whole world goes dark, and nothing else matters except the person standing in front of you.”  
~

Andrew surveyed the room, looking closely at everyone’s face but careful not to make eye contact. “Hey, I’m Andrew. I’m an addict.” 

“Hi, Andrew.” they collectively drone.

“Like, of more than one thing, but more specifically I’m a cutter. And I’ve been clean for sixty days.”  
~

Andrew: For the record, I’m not telling the truth. 

Andrew: Still. I’ve actually been doing pretty well, since after the weird drug dealer fiasco at Roland’s I got into a bit of trouble…  
~

“Where have you been?” Nicky demanded. It was very rare for Nicky to shout, a blessing which though they’d never say it, both twins were grateful for. Right now though, Nicky was pissed.

“My phone died,” said Andrew.

“16 hours ago? Bullshit. What were you doing? Who were you with?” 

“I was with...someone.” Andrew said, lamely. 

“Who?”

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“It matters!” Nicky let out a sound that was halfway between a choke and a sob. “It matters. I don’t know.. what you are and aren’t doing,” he said, regaining his composure a little, “I know you're smarter than me. You’ve probably been doing drugs even though you know it makes you more likely to cut. You're probably doing other things I’m not even thinking to worry about because I‘m-“

“Nicky?” asked Aaron from the top of the stairs. 

Nicky forced his 100-watt-fake-smile. “Aaron! All good my guy, you should go back to sleep.” 

Aaron looked doubtful. He was as familiar with that expression as Andrew, but Nicky was still pretty convincing. 

“Are you okay, Andrew?”

Andrew nodded. If he believes in god, he’d thank him for his resting bitch face. “Yeah, I’m okay Aaron.”

“Goodnight!” Nicky called after Aaron’s retreating form. Once he was gone, Nicky turned to Andrew again. “Well?”

“Nicky, I don’t have to tell you everything that goes on in my life. If you wanna drug test me, drug test me.”  
~

Andrew: He wasn’t the only person upset with me.  
~

“I’m not kidding, Andrew.” Neil said, scowling. “I’m not trying to become best friends with someone who’s gonna fucking kill themself.” 

“I know,” said Andrew. 

Neil’s gaze became distant, like it did sometimes. “I’ve had like, enough traumatic shit that I don’t…” his eyes focused on Andrew’s upset and insistent, “I can’t…” 

“I get it.” Andrew said reassuringly.  
~

Andrew: I get it.  
~

Neil breathed out shakily, like someone coming down from the brink of a panic attack. “I don’t wanna be around you unless you stop cutting yourself.”

Andrew thought about it for a minute. “Okay.” 

“I mean it.” said Neil, blue eyes determined.

“I know, I’ll stop. I promise.”  
~

Andrew: I told Nicky about the group, just to get him off my back a little, and I showed him the slip I guilted that counselor into signing. It worked, but I’m still ‘grounded’. Though honestly, that’s a flexible term with Nicky that mostly means helping him out in the kitchen a lot.  
~

“Hey kid, it’s your sixty days, right?”

“Oh god! So good.”  
~

Andrew: The one thing I hated about my decision: the sixtieth day speech I had to give to the group.  
~

Andrew cleared his throat. “Hmm. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to depress anyone. Plus, I really have been trying, and that counts for something. Two months ago, I woke up from a coma. I didn’t know what happened, but from the looks on my cousin and brother’s faces, I knew that… whatever it was, whatever I did...it wasn’t good. It really scared them. And at that moment, I decided to at least try to change. ‘Cause I owe it to them. I owe it to everyone I love and everyone who loves me. The hardest part, uh, has been...feeling like I owe it to myself. And uh, maybe that’ll get easier. I hope it will.”  
~

Andrew: It’d been a weird couple of weeks. I didn’t know at the time, but Neil was falling in love.  
~

“I’m not saying I’m in love.” said Neil. “I’m just saying I really, really like him.”

They were in the mountains again, talking about Neil’s new crush. A guy he’d met online. 

“Who? Shyguy118?” Andrew tried his hardest to keep his annoyance — no it was not jealousy!- sneak into his voice. 

Neil laughed. “His name is Tyler!” 

“They’re both little fuckboy names.” 

“He’s not! He’s sweet, and he’s totally cool with me being demi.” 

“What school does he go to?”

Neil only had to think for a second. “Saint Marry’s.”

“Ew. Private school.”

Neil scoffed. “You're just jealous.”

Andrew didn’t dignify that with a response.  
~

Andrew: Aside from that being a really shitty thing to say, it’s also not true.

Andrew: He’s just been acting weird all weak.

Andrew: I’m not jealous.  
~

“...about how much she hates my dad.” Allison finished her rant. 

Katelyn tore her gaze away from the message on her phone. Send pics of your toes. 

Allison flipped her bronze ponytail. “I’m just like, you can’t do this to me. He’s my dad. I don’t know, I know he has issues but she does too….”

Katelyn thought about the video. The comments. She was used to having an internet presence, but in an understated way from her blog. She honestly wasn’t used to being desired in this way. Maybe it shouldn’t make her feel good, and some of it was unsettling, but overall it did.

“Who keeps texting you?” asked Allison.

Katelyn tapped her nail across the phone screen. “My dad.”  
~

“Hey,” said Neil. “Can you do me a favor?” 

They were at lunch. Neil was on his third fruit cup, Andrew nursed a chocolate milk and a slice of pizza encrusted entirely with chili flakes. 

“What is it?” asked Andrew. 

“Tyler implied that he’s gonna ask me out sometime soon.” Neil sounded excited. Andrew told himself the roiling in his stomach was from all the dairy. “I need dating help.” 

Andrew stared unimpressed. “And you asked me for that because…” 

Neil looked sheepish. “Like, specifically I need fashion help.” 

Ah. “Yeah.” Andrew agreed. “You do. So.. you want me to come over later?” 

Neil’s whole face lit up. “Yeah! I mean, if you're not busy. If you are, I totally…”

“I can come by around 4.” 

“See you!” Neil called over his shoulder as he headed to class.  
~

“So, I’m staying with Marissa overnight.” said Renee. Her tone was even and contained as always, but she couldn’t hide her blush. 

Katelyn and Dan both whooped encouragingly. Allison was more reserved, her eyebrow even shot up at first. “Wait, is your dad gonna let you go?”

“Oh, he will.” said Renee. Her shy smile turned manic. “If he doesn’t, I’ll have to kill him in his sleep.” They all laughed. 

“I love your dad, to be honest.” said Dan.

“Mmm hmmm.” Allison agreed. 

Both girls looked wistful. Neither girl had a close, or even especially functional relationship with their parents. Sometimes Katelyn forgot just how lucky she was in some ways.

Once Allison and Renee excused themselves for some cheerleading thing, and Dan headed off to Econ, Katelyn took out the phone again, and scrolled through the messages.  
~

“Do I look hot?” 

Neil was wearing the least offensive outfit Andrew could put together out of his truly deplorable wardrobe: a blue blazer, open over a gray t-shirt, and dark gray jeans - not skinny jeans, but more fitted than Neil usually wore. 

Andrew swallowed. “Yeah,” he replied honestly. 

Neil turned to face him. “Like, hot enough that you’d want to fuck me?” 

Andrew frowned. “I didn’t think that was the point.” 

Neil shook his head. “It’s not, it won’t be for like a really, really long time if this does work out. Maybe never anyway. But I still, like, don’t wanna be unfuckable for if it does and we do.” 

“You're not unfuckable.” said Andrew. He cringed as the words left his mouth. “Like… in theory.” 

Neil still seemed anxious. “Should I show more?” 

“I…” Andrew stuttered. “Imeanit’swhatever.” 

Andrew was saved by an incoming call from Nicky. He picked up and explained he was at Neil’s, and had an AA meeting right after. When he hung up Neil was looking at him intently. “Alcoholics Anonymous?”

“Addicts Anonymous.” Andrew corrected. “They have services for recovering self-harmers too.” 

“You’ve been clean for two weeks, right?” When Andrew nodded Neil actually pumped his fist in the air. “I’m so proud of you! Can I hug you?” 

Andrew usually hated hugs, but Neil was the exception to a lot of rules. “Yes.”

He did. It was...nice. Andrew felt warm and safe. It ended too soon, leaving Andrew dizzy and off balance.  
~

Andrew: I’ve never met anyone in my entire life like Neil.  
~ 

“I need a glass of water,” Andrew told Neil. “I’ll be back.” 

“Okay.”  
~

“And uh, at that moment I decided to at least try and change. Cause I owe it to them. I owe it to everyone I love, and everyone that loves me. And u, maybe… That’ll get easier. I hope it will. Thank you.”  
~

“Yo,” said one of the other members, a woman likely in her forties. “Sixty days, no small feat.”

“Thank you.” said Andrew.

“Can I ask you something?” 

Andrew just wanted to get out of there, but he nodded. 

“How’d you survive? You said you almost bled to death.”

“My brother.” Andrew replied coolly. 

“Younger or older?”

“We’re twins.”

The woman whistled. “Man. You ever wonder what that does to somebody? Finding their own mirror image bleeding out on the bathroom floor? And from wounds they inflicted? It must feel isolating, and unstable, and like you can’t ever trust anyone ever again.”

Andrew’s mouth was dry. “Yeah, I guess it must.” 

She looked Andrew straight in the eyes. “I know you're lying about being clean.” She handed him a card. A phone number and the name Abby Winfield was on it. “Call me when you want to stop trying to kill yourself and eat some pancakes.”  
~ 

“Do you think people are a hundred percent straight?” asked Allison. 

Renee finished applying watermelon scented lip gloss, and turned to Allison’s locker. “Well...I know I’m a lesbian, and I only want to be with women. But there’s bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals…so no. Sexuality is a spectrum.”

“Right?” Allison said,relieved.. “Do you think straight guys ever watch like, gay porn?” 

“Not if they’re one hundred percent straight.”

Allison looked lost in thought about something. 

“Hey!” Renee caught her eye again. “What’s this about?”

“Can I tell you a secret?”  
~

Allison Reynolds had her fair share of bad habits. The biggest one, as her mother would say, was that she had the ears of an elephant, and an unquestionable thirst to know everything about one specific subject: people. 

But in her defense, when your boyfriend’s phone goes off fifteen times in ten minutes, and he leaves it unattended, what are you supposed to do? Not snooping would just be irresponsible. 

She opened the screen to his photos, only to find the last few rows filled with dick pics. There was also a notification from a messaging app “I can’t wait!” The display name was Alex. 

Before she could look further, Seth came back to bed. She thought about confronting him, but wasn’t sure what she’d be confronting him with.  
~

Neil bounded up to Andrew before school. “Andrew! Hey, guess what?”

“What?” asked Andrew. He hadn’t slept last night, and there were dark bags under his eyes.

“First of all, thank you so much for the other day! Also, Tyler wants to meet.”

Andrew took a second to process that. “Like..in real life?”

Neil nodded. “On Saturday, by the lake, after the carnival.”

“At night?”

“Of course. Yeah.”

Andrew couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “And that doesn’t seem...weird to you? Like, unsafe? Why can’t you just meet at the carnival, during the day?”

Neil shook his head. “It’s a no go. He’s a jock from a conservative family.” 

“Honestly Neil, I really don’t care about his personal life.” said Andrew. 

Neil looked annoyed. “It’s not a big deal, okay? I’ve been in situations less safe.”

“Not the point.”

Neil huffed in exasperation. “Look, Andrew. I don’t always get the privilege of meeting people. People know I’m trans here!” 

“That doesn’t mean you have to meet this dude at an abandoned lake. That’s stupid.”

There was genuine hurt in Neil’s eyes. “Out of everyone in the world, I wanted to tell you.” He shook his head and turned. “I thought you’d be happy for me.”  
~

Neil’s Uncle Stewart opened the door. “Hi, Andrew.”

“Hi, is Neil there?”

“He’s upstairs. Come in.”

Andrew walked up the stairs, and hesitated in front of Neil’s room. 

“Neil, Andrew’s here!” called Stewart.  
~

After Neil let him in, Andrew wasn’t sure what to say. “Um, I don’t want to fight with you.”

Neil looked up at him from where he was sitting on the bed. “I don’t want to fight with you either.” 

Andrew exhaled, sharply. “You have to understand, I just want you to be safe, okay?” He hated how fragile and pathetic his voice sounded. “I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you. And...and you can’t be mad at me for wanting you to be okay. I just, I…”

Neil’s eyes softened. “I’m not mad at you.” 

“You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a really long time, and I just…” 

“I get it. I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Neil came closer, pressing his forehead against Andrew’s. “You’re a mess, you know?”

“So are you.” 

Neil hummed in acknowledgement. They were two fucked up boys in a podunk town, who had seen more destruction than togetherness in their lives thus far. 

“I hate everyone in the world but you.” Neil whispered into his ear. Andrew leaned forward and kissed him.  
~

Andrew: And that’s when things really went to shit.  
~

The kiss lasted only two seconds. Neil’s lips were rough, chapped and sweet, a balm to Andrew like nicotine and razor blades never had been. For a moment, he thought he felt them press against his own, just as intensely. But then Neil pulled back, surprise written across his features. 

Andrew fought past the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I have to go.”  
~

Andrew rapped his knuckles furiously on Roland’s door, once, twice, three times. 

“Who is it?” Roland called from inside. 

“It’s me. Open the door.” 

There was a glass screen on the door that wasn’t sound proof. Roland came to stand in front of it. “Fuck.” he said, taking in the way Andrew looked. Tired, pissed, heartbroken. “Not today, Andrew. I’m sorry.” 

“Come on man. Don’t be a dick.”

“I’m serious. You can’t come in here.” 

“Look Roland. I just want to use your bathroom for… the usual, and then you can stitch me up so no one sees. Nicky likes you, and it’s not super late and nothing shady is going on, so you could cover me. Say I’m helping you with a job… but like, not the same one as before. Something summer friendly…just let me in already.” 

“Sorry. I can’t help you.”

“Can you open the door, please?” 

It’d been ages since he’d said that word, and he wanted to vomit. But he was desperate.

“I’m not gonna help you fucking kill yourself, Andrew.” Roland said, eyes regretful. “Just go home.”

“Roland, just open the fucking door. I’m begging you to just open the fucking door.” 

Roland was walking away now. Andrew let out something like a laugh, or a sneer. “Roland! You're full of shit, man. You're a drug dealer. Yesterday I was force fed drugs without my consent in your house. You’ve been helping me with this stuff for almost two years so in return I sleep with you!” Andrew tried and failed to steady his breath. “And all of a sudden you have the moral fucking high ground? Give me a break. You, as a twenty year old man, helped a sixteen year old self harm so they’d fuck you. And on top of that your a drop out drug dealer with seven functioning brain cells. Fuck you, Roland! Are you doing this because you care about me? Because if you really cared you never would have… none of this would have happened!”

Andrew banged on the door again, harder for maximum volume. “So open the goddamn door!” 

“I can’t do that, Andrew.” Roland sounded pained. “I’m sorry.”

“Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! You did this to me.” said Andrew

“You fucking did this to me, you ruined my life- ruined me, when there was already so little left to ruin. The least you could do is open the door and fix it!” 

“Oh, and I won’t get you off if that’ll spare your sudden conscience. Think of it as repetition pay!” 

“Open the door or I will hate you until I fucking die! Open the door!”


End file.
